Jerk Music Critic: Nick Mason's Fictitious Sports

I put this album firmly in the camp of "just go with it." There is no explaining nor comprehending the title, the oddly low-effort Hipgnosis album art or the sometimes jarring juxtaposition of styles (primarily Soft Machine-style Canterbury rock, and Robert Wyatt himself even sings the majority, though jazz and prog get thrown in too just for startle effect). "Can't Get My Motor To Start" is an oddly fascinating way to begin, but like the protagonist car it takes far too long to get moving, and tracks like "Do Ya?" are just messy as well as perplexing. Likewise, "Wervin'" is best described as a recording studio DUI, though I like the musical impressions of panicked horns and headlights; "I Was Wrong" has a compelling beat, and the slower minor-keyed moments in "I'm a Mineralist" and "Hot River" are meaty and satisfying, but they're no less odd and there just aren't enough of them in this album's relatively short running time for a filling meal. The best way to experience these confabulatory competitions is with Mason's new mini-box set Unattended Baggage containing this, Profiles and his soundtrack from White of the Eye, complete with the pseudo-LP packaging presently in fashion for compact discs. None of the others are particularly strong albums on their own either, but like Fictitious Sports they have their moments, and at least you won't be paying much for any one of them as an item. (Content: mild adult themes on "Hot River" and "I'm a Mineralist.")

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Express Yourself

The Jerk Music Critic is a collection of amateur music reviews I wrote largely non-professionally between the 1990s and today. Some of these reviews are contemporary and some are retrospective, and a few are rather dated, but all are intended to be free-standing and permanent records of my completely worthless musical opinion. They are presented in no particular order and "new" reviews that occur may actually be simply prior ones I've only now transcribed. Older reviews have been edited to hopefully remove inaccuracies later revealed, as well as add brief content advisories (see "Smash the PMRC") and, where reissues exist with different tracks, brief commentaries on these later additions (the actual star review was not altered).

If you're looking for a specific artist, or just interested to see what I really liked (or really didn't), "When I Break Down" indexes reviews by artist and by number of stars awarded (see "Star Chart" for an explanation).

As we move deeper into the Internet music age where the album format might seem hopelessly antiquated, there is still some artistic value in the LP to those artists who still take advantage of it, and some of these recordings can only be properly appreciated in that context. I hope you enjoy these reviews and recommendations, and don't take them too seriously. — Cameron Kaiser

Star Chart

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
An instant classic. Substantially advances/d the state of the art, either technologically, stylistically, or (preferentially) both, and is outstanding music besides. Buy it.

🌟🌟🌟🌟
A excellent album. Nearly every song is a gem; nearly every piece is a winner. Falls short of 5 stars for want of that certain special something, but the difference is in impact, not in musical quality. Buy it.

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Solid. Mostly good songs with a few clinkers. Salvageable with a good playlist. Buy it cheap.

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Mixed. Some good songs stand out, but not enough to make it listenable as a whole. Buy the good songs on iTunes.

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Bad. One or two tracks of even decent quality. Buy the good songs cheap on iTunes.

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How did this get released?

Smash the PMRC

I don't advocate for censorship or unnuanced black and white stickers, but I do advocate for parents being able to raise kids in the way they see fit, which might include introducing albums of controversial yet artistic merit at a point in their child's life when they can better appreciate it. The content summaries are intended to be a very general guide, reflective of only my own personal sensibilities and mine alone, and do not substitute in any way for a parent actually sitting down and listening to the album themselves. If you excessively rely on my content advisories, then I'm the one raising your kid, and you really don't want that.