Jerk Music Critic: Aerosmith, Done With Mirrors

This was supposed to be their comeback album, proving they could be clean and still rock, and yet it still sounds like they're smoking something. And it's not the good stuff. The flat, unoriginal and uncompelling riffs are matched inexpertly by similarly flat production and the dynamic range of a nursing home after the medication gets handed out. Standout tracks for the wrong reasons include the asymmetric beat in "Let The Music Do The Talking" which I think they believed would be innovative but just comes off as annoying, Steven Tyler's limp and anaemic delivery on "The Reason A Dog" something or other, and "The Hop" which just drags and drags and drags. This otherwise dumpster fire of an album is saved from complete failure only by the name of the track "My Fist Your Face" which makes an entertaining epithet for bar mitzvahs, church services and music critics. The CD and tape versions add the final track "Darkness" which has some rather interesting harmonic contrasts and an almost progressive rock throwback feel, a bafflingly high quality contrast against the overwhelming mediocrity of the rest of the album, and single-handedly prevents my first poop rating ever. (Content: mild profanity.)

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Express Yourself

The Jerk Music Critic is a collection of amateur music reviews I wrote largely non-professionally between the 1990s and today. Some of these reviews are contemporary and some are retrospective, and a few are rather dated, but all are intended to be free-standing and permanent records of my completely worthless musical opinion. They are presented in no particular order and "new" reviews that occur may actually be simply prior ones I've only now transcribed. Older reviews have been edited to hopefully remove inaccuracies later revealed, as well as add brief content advisories (see "Smash the PMRC") and, where reissues exist with different tracks, brief commentaries on these later additions (the actual star review was not altered).

If you're looking for a specific artist, or just interested to see what I really liked (or really didn't), "When I Break Down" indexes reviews by artist and by number of stars awarded (see "Star Chart" for an explanation).

As we move deeper into the Internet music age where the album format might seem hopelessly antiquated, there is still some artistic value in the LP to those artists who still take advantage of it, and some of these recordings can only be properly appreciated in that context. I hope you enjoy these reviews and recommendations, and don't take them too seriously. — Cameron Kaiser

Star Chart

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
An instant classic. Substantially advances/d the state of the art, either technologically, stylistically, or (preferentially) both, and is outstanding music besides. Buy it.

🌟🌟🌟🌟
A excellent album. Nearly every song is a gem; nearly every piece is a winner. Falls short of 5 stars for want of that certain special something, but the difference is in impact, not in musical quality. Buy it.

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Solid. Mostly good songs with a few clinkers. Salvageable with a good playlist. Buy it cheap.

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Mixed. Some good songs stand out, but not enough to make it listenable as a whole. Buy the good songs on iTunes.

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Bad. One or two tracks of even decent quality. Buy the good songs cheap on iTunes.

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How did this get released?

Smash the PMRC

I don't advocate for censorship or unnuanced black and white stickers, but I do advocate for parents being able to raise kids in the way they see fit, which might include introducing albums of controversial yet artistic merit at a point in their child's life when they can better appreciate it. The content summaries are intended to be a very general guide, reflective of only my own personal sensibilities and mine alone, and do not substitute in any way for a parent actually sitting down and listening to the album themselves. If you excessively rely on my content advisories, then I'm the one raising your kid, and you really don't want that.