Jerk Music Critic: Vampire Weekend, Contra

If the revolution will not be televised, will it at least be recorded? And if it will be recorded, could it be set to something more meaningful than a largely homogeneous though admittedly peppy mass-market beat? Could I not at least question the revolution for, on the one hand, an apparent unwavering commitment to thematic interpersonal transgressiveness and conflict, whilst obscuring it beneath trivial synthobeats and sampled drums? If I said I enjoyed "White Sky" for its faultless Paul Simon impression, which I swear is more positive than it sounds because I adored The Rhythm of the Saints and that track is the "Proof" of this album, does my accusation of derivation mean I oppose the new social order? If I said I like almost every track except the artlessly garbled "California English" (where the Auto-Tune is ironic but the tape speed is obnoxious), but mostly for their unvaried inoffensiveness, does this taint my ideological purity? Except for the wistful murmurs of intimacy despoiled in "I Think Ur A Contra," is my shame that even as I play the rest, nodding my head to the beat as I type, that this album's vain attempts at depth do not envelop me? Turning to the jewel case as I write, is that enigmatic starkened vision of loveliness upon the cover coming to pierce my loyalties? Will she know my secret regret? Will she be the firing squad that ends me?

Do you think I'm a contra?

(Content: adult themes on "Diplomat's Son.")

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Express Yourself

The Jerk Music Critic is a collection of amateur music reviews I wrote largely non-professionally between the 1990s and today. Some of these reviews are contemporary and some are retrospective, and a few are rather dated, but all are intended to be free-standing and permanent records of my completely worthless musical opinion. They are presented in no particular order and "new" reviews that occur may actually be simply prior ones I've only now transcribed. Older reviews have been edited to hopefully remove inaccuracies later revealed, as well as add brief content advisories (see "Smash the PMRC") and, where reissues exist with different tracks, brief commentaries on these later additions (the actual star review was not altered).

If you're looking for a specific artist, or just interested to see what I really liked (or really didn't), "When I Break Down" indexes reviews by artist and by number of stars awarded (see "Star Chart" for an explanation).

As we move deeper into the Internet music age where the album format might seem hopelessly antiquated, there is still some artistic value in the LP to those artists who still take advantage of it, and some of these recordings can only be properly appreciated in that context. I hope you enjoy these reviews and recommendations, and don't take them too seriously. — Cameron Kaiser

Star Chart

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An instant classic. Substantially advances/d the state of the art, either technologically, stylistically, or (preferentially) both, and is outstanding music besides. Buy it.

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A excellent album. Nearly every song is a gem; nearly every piece is a winner. Falls short of 5 stars for want of that certain special something, but the difference is in impact, not in musical quality. Buy it.

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Solid. Mostly good songs with a few clinkers. Salvageable with a good playlist. Buy it cheap.

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Mixed. Some good songs stand out, but not enough to make it listenable as a whole. Buy the good songs on iTunes.

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Bad. One or two tracks of even decent quality. Buy the good songs cheap on iTunes.

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How did this get released?

Smash the PMRC

I don't advocate for censorship or unnuanced black and white stickers, but I do advocate for parents being able to raise kids in the way they see fit, which might include introducing albums of controversial yet artistic merit at a point in their child's life when they can better appreciate it. The content summaries are intended to be a very general guide, reflective of only my own personal sensibilities and mine alone, and do not substitute in any way for a parent actually sitting down and listening to the album themselves. If you excessively rely on my content advisories, then I'm the one raising your kid, and you really don't want that.